Experiencing life

The Sinner

2008-08-25T14:45:00.000+05:30

It had been two weeks since she left for England and it would take another three weeks for her to return. I was without physical company for the last two weeks. I was finding it difficult. I always felt the urge. I am a devout Christian. I shouldn’t be feeling such urges. I could not help myself alone as that was considered a sin. I could not seek the help of someone else, as that was not only religiously intolerable but also socially.

I wonder who I am. What is the purpose of my life? Do I own my life? I think it is God and the society together that own my life. I feel so constrained, so repressed. I am not being able to express myself for fear of being labeled a ‘bad’ man. I feel helpless. I do not know where to go. I do not know what to do.

My flesh yearns for something but the Bible asks me to follow my ‘spirit’. Do I have a spirit? How is my spirit formed? I wonder. I spend all my time wondering. Battling with myself. There is a war that is going on within myself. Who will win? Will my passion win or will my ‘rules’ win? Which should I follow? Who can tell me which I should follow?

Are there other people who are going through similar struggles? I hope not! I feel that I have already sinned in my mind. I have dreamt of immoral deeds. But I feel tremendously lonely. Should I go ahead or not? Will my wife understand this or will she judge me according to the ‘rules’? I don’t know. I do not understand myself. I wonder if there exists a ‘myself’. I doubt my existence. I doubt my freedom. I doubt humanity. I doubt rules. I doubt society. I doubt religion.

I think I am going mad. I don’t understand anyone anymore. I stopped understanding myself a long time back; ever since I stopped listening to myself, ever since I started following the ‘rules’. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I have ceased to have an identity of my own. I feel empty as if somebody has stolen all that I had once.

I don’t think I should live anymore. My existence has no meaning. Who do I listen to? Who do I trust? I don’t trust myself anymore. For how can I trust myself, as ‘myself’ has already been robbed from me.

He committed suicide. He was no longer chained by the ‘rules’. He was free.

The Entertainer

2008-07-11T10:00:00.000+05:30

I was always liked by my teachers and 'friends'. I always made it a point to be the person they liked. I did my homework on time, asked questions(doubts) in every class, was always punctual, tried to be the first in class, etc. I did not like mingling with those who did not study; as my parents and teachers advised me not to. (As I might lose interest in studies)

My parents adored me because I always obeyed them. I never questioned them. They and my teachers are my Gods on this earth. They know what is good for me. And since my father had an interest in public speaking, I was taught to be a good public speaker. My parents were very proud of me and so were my teachers. I entertained them regularly. I was very happy with my life. I was awarded a lot of medals and prizes for my good conduct.

12th standard. I came first in the board exam.

My parents wanted me to be an IAS officer. My teachers supported this view as well. I was told that I would be on a high social plane and I would be serving the nation. So, I started going for civil services tuitions. I took tuition from 3 different places. My father did not want me to fail because I lacked preparation (read as coaching).

I cleared the civil service entrance and the interview. I became a civil servant. I was asked not to do certain things by my seniors and I obeyed them. (My father taught me to respect my elders.) I was liked by those in important positions and my promotions were hassle free.

Now when I look back at my life, I realise that I have only been an entertainer.

The 'quite long' Tag

2008-06-06T21:00:00.004+05:30

First of all, I thank Bharath for tagging me.

Secondly, it has been more than month since he tagged me. But, here it goes:

10 Things I've realized/ 10 realizations

1) I can write.
2) I understand people.
3) I can't remember dates.
4) I have no regrets.
5) I am 'lazy' when it comes to doing things 'for' others.
6) I enjoy solitude.
7) I enjoy company.
8) I can sing in public, despite knowing I am not a 'good' singer.
9) I enjoy academics immensely.
10)I have realized quite a lot.

9 things I'm glad about.

1) My life.
2) Friends.
3) Family.
4) My collection of books.
5) My blogs.
6) Studying Economics.
7) Having lived in a hostel at school.
8) Having experimented with substances. ;)
9) My 'travels'.

8 Things I badly wanna (do)

1) To read at least 2 essays a day. (academic)
2) To publish at least 2 posts each month on by 2 blogs.
3) To visit a 'Bishnoi Village'.
4) To re visit Hampi.
5) To re visit Gokarna.
6) To play (games) at least twice a week.
7) To write TOEFL.
8) To study at Erasmus University.

7 Things I often tell myself.

1) Be good to yourself.
2) Don't obey your elders.
3) Enjoy life.
4) You need to blog more.
5) You need to read more.
6) Try to eat to fill your stomach.
7) I must reduce weight.

6 people I wanna thank. No mutual thanking.

If I have to thank, It would be a lot of people. So, I am skipping this.

5 things I believe in.

1) Myself.
2) In making choices that I think are good.
3) In relationships.
4) In skepticism.
5) In love.

4 people I tag

ahhhh...those who want to, can take it up.

3 Confessions

1) I don't confess. :)
2) I don't regret.
3) I lie rarely.

2 Promises

1) I will never promise.
2) I wont break the first promise.

1 That's exclusively yours. can write anything.

1) It sure was an enjoyable experience writing this Tag. It makes you ponder, introspect, lie :), dabble in humour to conceal things, etc.

On Sins

2008-05-21T09:06:00.002+05:30

Cambridge Dictionary defines ‘sin’ as “the offence of breaking, or the breaking of, a religious or moral law.” The Church teaches humanity that people who sin cannot enter heaven. Thereby, a moral constraint is placed upon each and every individual who believes in that. Interestingly enough, all Christians are sinners and therefore they need to go to Church and get themselves forgiven; if not hell awaits them.

Why does a society have restraints at all? Different institutions supply different restraints. Society puts forth its acceptable norms, which varies from society to society. The nation has its own legal system to take care of corruption, murder, theft, etc. Religion has its own code whereby the followers are taught good and bad. What is common to all the three restraints is that they have their own sense of right and wrong. And those who ‘wrong’ are (eventually) punished. Punishment takes various forms as well. The punishment of the state is physical in nature; that of society is emotional in nature while that of religion is spiritual in nature.

Ethics-what is right and wrong is specific to time, culture, nation, economy, etc. For example, polygamy is considered as a sin in certain cultures but it is acceptable in some others. Which is the ‘right’ culture? Is there something as the ‘right’ culture? Ethics have changed over time. Morality has evolved over time as well. A society needs a particular ethical framework so as to maintain order. The state exercises its power through its laws. The church exercises its power though its teachings of right and wrong. The notion of Heaven and Hell play a significant role in bringing people closer to Church. But, does the Church teach that ethics has evolved over time? Or does it try and put forth the history of institutions? It does not, because the history of ethics will contradict the ‘truth’ of the Church!

The Vatican has updated the list of deadly sins (in accordance with what is happening now)

The new deadly sins include polluting, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, drug dealing, abortion, paedophilia and causing social injustice.

[Read more here]

I wonder what the intention of such a statement is! Is the Church opposing globalization and in the process science, technology, economic progress? Also, I wonder how they define social injustice! Moreover, the funds of the Vatican have not been made public; but it is common knowledge that their coffers are overflowing. Such a statement shows the power the Church commands vis-à-vis the state, the scientific community, the corporates and lastly the civil society.

The (ideal) Professor

2008-03-25T18:29:00.002+05:30

The result of his test was announced. He ran to see his result, not that he expected much but he wanted to know how much he would be given. He scored or rather was given an F. An F was extremely hard to come by. The only other person in class who had an F was a student who had absented himself for the test. So, some of his classmates assumed he had been absent as well.

He had always believed that one should learn for the sake of learning itself and not for marks. He wanted to do further studies. His friends told him that such a low score would lessen his chances of going abroad for further studies. He was heart broken. He knew that he deserved more than an F. He felt helpless. He knew the professor didn't like him. He also happened to be the HOD. He felt helpless. He knew he would have to compromise. He hated compromises. He knew he would have to take down the class notes, look as if the professor taught great ideas, etc. He didn't know what to do. For a long time, he had never studied nor written exams for marks. He felt this notion breaking down. He was sad. He felt hurt.

He thought of why he could have been given an F. The reasons he came up were:
1) He never took down class notes.
2) He slept in class.
3) He contradicted the professor.
3) He behaved like himself.
He had reasons to do all this as well. The entire class took down notes so he could photocopy them. He slept because the professor didn't make him think. He just went through the notes. He didn't believe that the professor was God and hence knew everything.

So, the next day in class, the professor distributed the answer scripts. He realised that he could have easily been given more marks. He understood it was intentional. Even then, he went up to the professor in the classroom and said that he was not given marks for the right answer.
Prof: "I am very disappointed with both your internal marks. Shall I tell the reason for your low scores?"
He: "I had come to ask you about this today morning. Please do tell me, sir."
Prof: "You don't take down notes in class."
He was dumbstruck. He never thought that any professor would give such a reason.
He: "But i listen to you in class."
Prof: "That is not enough. You try and do well the next time. Have you started taking down notes?"
He: "Yes sir. I have."

[This is a real short story.]

The Relationship

2008-02-23T12:37:00.001+05:30

Characters: Adam, Eve
Location: Cafe Coffee Day
Date: February 14, 2008

A: “Why have you given me all these gifts?”
E: “Read the letter. I have put down all my feelings there. And tell me your reply tomorrow.”
A: “Okay. But can I give my reply now itself? I shall read the letter right now.”

Adam reads the letter while Eve watches him.

A: “Eve, my answer is yes. I love you as well.”

And thus Adam and Eve got into a relationship. They made phone calls to each other almost every day (and night). They exchanged ‘love letters’ every day.

Characters: Same as above
Location: Adam’s hostel room
Date: April 1, 2008

“My only love,
I am sorry for not writing to you yesterday. I had lots to study. Next time, I will ensure that I write even if I have lots to write. Alright, dear? I am so sorry, love. Kisses.

I know how you feel dear. I know how much you like to see my handwriting. I so miss you dear. I love you all the more because you have never gone without writing me a letter. It is not that I don’t love you; it is just that sometimes I get a bit lazy. I know laziness should not enter our relationship.

I just can’t wait to be in your arms. The world feels so good because I have you. I thank God for giving me such a loving and caring guy. Oh! What would I have done without you? I love you and I yearn for you every single moment of my life.

Darling, I want you to know that you are mine forever. I will keep on loving you till the end of my life. Love me always. Be mine forever.

Love, hugs and kisses
Eve”

Characters: Same as before
Location: Adam’s & Eve’s hostel rooms
Date: May 25, 2008

“Hello Eve”
“Ohhhhh... Adam, I was waiting for your call. I am so happy to hear your voice.”
“I find my roomies irritating. All that they discuss, is economics. They don’t even talk about love. Just imagine.
“In that aspect, my roommates are better. I was just telling them about you and how lucky I am to have you.”
..........
..........
..........
“Darling, I am feeling sleepy.”
“Okay. I am keeping down the phone.”
“Are you angry?”
“Why would I be angry?”
“I am sorry, Adam.”
“Kisses”
“Okay. I am not sleeping- for you. In fact, for us and for our relationship.”
“Thank you dear.”
........
........
........

Players: Still Adam & Eve
Location: Barista
Date: July 12, 2008

A: “I can’t wait to get married to you.”
E: “So can’t I.”
A: “We can be together always. We don’t need phone calls or letters then. I will always be happy since you are there with me.”
E: “I love you a lot. Promise me that you will never leave me.”
A: “I promise to be with you throughout my life.”

Player: Adam (alone)
Location: Cafe Coffee Day
Date: February 13, 2009

“It is going to be a year since Eve and I have been going out. I feel weary. I am tired. But, I still love her. I like to be with her, but not for the entire 24 hours. I still love spending time with her. But, will she understand my feelings? She might think that I don’t love her any more. But is a relationship and love so intricately connected that one cannot exist without the other. I don’t know. I am tired of writing letters to her. It has become so monotonous. And I don’t think I can be her husband and live with her forever. I wonder when she will get tired as well. I hope she will try to comprehend when I tell her about my current state of emotions.”

On Pity

2008-02-06T22:44:00.000+05:30

Pity is commonly understood as ‘a feeling of sympathy and sorrow for the misfortunes of others’. If a person can feel pity, it is considered a virtue. Many deeds are carried out in the name of pity. We love out of pity, we help others out of pity, we care for others out of pity, etc.

What exactly is this notion of pity? Have we thought about it? Do we understand what exactly we are doing to us and to others when we feel ‘pity’?

Pity stands in opposition to all the tonic passions that augment the energy of the feeling of aliveness: it is a depressant. A man loses power when he pities. Through pity that drain upon strength which suffering works is multiplied a thousandfold. Suffering is made contagious by pity; under certain circumstances it may lead to a total sacrifice of life and living energy. [Nietzsche 1920]

When is it that one can feel pity for others? Is it when one is above others’ according to some scale? Isn’t it about viewing a person as less opportune or even as a lesser person?

Can one ever truly love out of pity? Doesn’t the feeling of pity nourish the inequalities of life?

On Manners

2008-01-05T12:56:00.000+05:30

The word ‘behaviour’ does not subsume any good or bad notions per se.

Manners, rather good manners vary from person to person, time to time and place to place. It is intrinsic to the particular culture and society that is in place.

Within a society, there are different kinds of cultures which take the form of heterogeneous practices. For instance, an Indian culture exists broadly but within it, there are as many and more cultures as there are states.

Manners vary widely but of late ‘good manners’ pertain to a specific mode of behaviour. What does it strive to do? It tries to develop a culture. Good manners are associated with the educated, the elite, the fortunate, etc.

Illustration: People of different ages had assembled together for a meal. A formal conference had brought them together. After the completion of the meal;
Old man: BURP
Young man: Don’t you have manners?
Old man: Yes, I do.
Young man: Then, why did you not say ‘excuse me’?
Old man: Why do I need to say that?
Young man: Because you burped.
Old man: Hmmm. Well, in our times, burping after a meal implied that we enjoyed the food.

Thorstein Veblen, an economist associates ‘manners’ with the rich class or the leisure class as he calls them. They show their power by displaying such polished acts, which sends the message that they are rich and they have leisure time whereby they can polish themselves.

Such developments need to be looked into, because these are ways through which the rich assert their power and make the less rich crave for leisure and hence power.

The wife

2007-12-10T10:33:00.000+05:30

I hated going to college. Studying was the last thing I wanted to do. I only went to college, because my parents had promised that I would be married off as soon as I graduated from college. I preferred marriage to studies.

I graduated and my parents kept their word. I got married at the age of 21. I was happy. I was happy because I did not have to study like the rest of my class mates. I was happy to be away from exams. My husband worked in an IT company and he earned enough for us.

My friends had advised me to study more because they thought that I would not find a husband. They believed that men these days wanted employed women only as their wives. They did not think that beauty could surpass employment in this regard.

My husband used to go to his office at one in the afternoon and would be back only by eleven at night. We had a cook who did all the household chores, so basically I was free throughout. I loved watching the TV and I did it all the time. My husband never had breakfast because he got up only by twelve. Since I too had no work, I emulated him.

He had a lot of friends. They used to meet regularly on weekends. I too went with him to the parties. They were fun. He liked showing me off to his friends. They were not as beautiful as I was.

My life revolved around my husband, who showered me with praises all the time. I felt loved. I loved him immensely too. He never questioned what I did and always gave me freedom to do what I wanted.

I felt indebted to my mother who always took care of my beauty, who said that women need to be beautiful. I was never allowed to play in the sun, lest it spoils my colour. My mother and I spent a lot of time in front of mirrors and I knew it had all paid off.

I loved my life and I was happy that I made the choices that led me to where I am now.

These were the happy times in my life. Soon after, while I was in the kitchen, an accident occurred due to which my face suffered burns. My beauty vanished. I felt alone. My husband seemed far from me. I was not taken to any more parties. It seemed like beauty was the only thing I possessed. I felt insecure. I was helpless. All this while, beauty had been my aid. Now, I was no longer beautiful in my husband’s eyes. I felt terrible. The love had dried up.

The only companion I had now was the TV. I cried regularly. I spend all my time watching TV, crying or sleeping. I still think of the beautiful days.

On Maturity

2007-11-06T16:14:00.000+05:30

Maturity is defined as “the period of time in your life after your physical growth has stopped and you are fully developed.” [WordWeb]

In conversations, maturity connotes with that of mental growth rather than physical. It is this 'mental maturity' that this post deals with. People like being told that they are mature. Again, like other adjectives, this one also is used in comparison. Thus, in a group of individuals when one is told that he or she is mature, it means that he or she is mature in comparison to the rest of the group and in comparison with the person who made the statement.

Doesn't maturity vary from time to time? And from circumstance to circumstance? If mental maturity refers to being able to make 'well thought about' and informed decisions, then it does vary across time periods and circumstances.

Then again, when a person makes a decision, it is always 'thought about well' and based on the information he or she has. (Rational, in a sense.) Then, where does the 'maturity' come in? One cannot talk about maturity and other adjectives in an absolute sense.

Do people try to be mature? Or act mature? Assuming that 'maturity' can be observed.

Isn't trying to mature very immature per se?

On Comparisons

2007-10-19T11:19:00.000+05:30

People are inherently different and moreover the circumstances in which they grow vary widely. If so, how is it that people are compared? How is one said to be better than others? How is one labeled as 'bad' in relation to the rest?

When one is labeled as good, bad, handsome etc, one takes recourse to the adjectives or 'comparison words'. When one is told that he or she is beautiful, it brings happiness in the individual. And mostly, we yearn for such happiness.

What is forgotten is that, beauty or obscenity lies in the eyes of the viewer or the beholder. The viewer is the one who adds value or beauty to the object. (The object could be humans, plants, buildings, animals etc)

The photo above contains flowers which have come from one single plant; though it is one single flower that hogs the limelight. It was done intentionally. Thus, depending on the viewer, the view changes.

Very often, we get dejected when we are called ugly or bad. Why? Have we ever stopped to think about who we are compared with? Or is there a reason to feel bad or hurt?

Such 'labels' by a human are extremely subjective in nature and biased by the viewer's convictions and morals.

So live life!

[Photographer: Me]

The 'ideal' son

2007-10-04T16:18:00.000+05:30

I never enjoyed learning mathematics; but my parents used to get very happy on seeing my mathematics marks so i forced myself to study. I used to get 90 plus and it kept my parents happy. After i finished my schooling, i had to choose my subject to graduate in. I enjoyed painting but my teachers and parents told me that it is not a fashionable vocation and i would not be able to earn enough money. So i did what they wanted me to. I enrolled in a medical college.

My parents wanted to see me as a doctor who commanded respect in the society. So i studied and studied, to fulfill the dreams and aspirations of my parents. I had always wanted to see movies with my friends, crack jokes along with them, etc; but all these were considered as 'bad' by my parents. So i never had any friends. Life during medicine was the classroom, the lab, the library and the hostel. I never went anywhere else nor did i do anything apart from that. My parents used to call me everyday and they were extremely happy with my routine and my performance in my studies.

I finished MBBS and i went on to do my MD, but i found it hard to concentrate and learn something which i did not have much interest in. It started affecting my sleep and i was disturbed. I never told this to my parents as i did not want to worry them. Amidst my mental turmoil and sleepless nights, i managed to finish my MD. I went back to parents and they received me with a huge party.

I started my own clinic in my neighborhood. I had never enjoyed 'medicine' before and i never liked seeing patients, diagnosing them after listening to their history, etc. I made money though. My parents boasted about me- the doctor, to their friends and our relatives.

When i was 30, my father died. And in less than a year, my mother went with him too. I felt lonely in this world. I did not have anyone. There was nobody to praise me on my achievements. There was nobody to give me parties hearing my success. I felt confused and angry. I didn't enjoy what i did. I never did it for myself. I had always acted so as to keep my parents happy. I had never cared for my dreams and aspirations.

I realised that i had never lived for myself. I had always lived for my parents. I hardly knew who i was, what i wanted and what i enjoyed doing.

Now, i am trying to get to know myself. I want to know what brings me happiness, rather than what brings others' happiness. I want to know what is it that brings me sorrow and pain. I am trying.

Why?

2007-09-11T17:46:00.000+05:30

To be complacent or complaisant
To be a dilettante or connoisseur
To be ingenuous or disingenuous
Is there a need to dissemble or pretend?
To be earthy or refined?

Does looking frowzy or unkempt mean anything?
Or to be gaudy or garish
To look pleasing and cultured and genteel
Why?

Why?

The Random Tag again

2007-08-30T21:53:00.000+05:30

I have been tagged by Amy, to write 8 random facts about myself. (again)

1)I love the colour green.
2)I usually wear black or white coloured clothes.
3)Of late, i have not slept before midnight.
4)The discipline of Philosophy appeals to me greatly.
5)I am enjoying life at Hyderabad Central University.
6)My favourite animal is the squirrel.
7)I have eaten snake meat once. :)
8)I dream of eating various kinds of meat.

I am not tagging anyone.

Perception

2007-08-12T11:15:00.000+05:30

A guy and girl walk hand in hand. The guy's hair is 'overgrown'. They laughed and was merry.

Amidst a group of girls and guys.
SHE: That guy is bad. He does drugs.
HE: How does that make him bad?

How do people perceive a person? By his actions which are not in tandem with the observer or with the society? Or because of the way he behaves with another person?

Comparison is usually made in reference to the observer. So being good or bad is always in relative terms; very rarely in absolute terms. I wonder if it is possible to make a statement about a person in absolute terms.

Liquor is associated to being bad. Over grown hair at times too. And people who talk about drugs, often talk ignorantly, not knowing what it is. Its funny, at times, the ways of the world.

My loving wife

2007-07-28T12:49:00.000+05:30

I fell in love with her on the first sight. We both had the same approach to issues in life and i always made it a point to get her approval in all that i did.

I loved her so much that i always did what she liked. We always used to spend time together- to the movies, beaches, restaurants etc. I enjoyed her company so much that i could not bear to be away from her even for a day. So, i never took up any of the free trips my company offered me.

And for the compulsory trips, i made it a point to speak to her on the phone for at least four hours as i could not sleep without telling her what happpened in my life everyday.

I always thanked God for blessing me with such a loving and caring person, to whom i could share all my sorrows and happiness.

The love i had for her, made me shower her with gifts on all important days for me, especially our anniversary and her birthday.

'Love is beautiful' i told my colleagues. They seemed to be jealous of my marriage. I considered 'her' the best thing that had happened to me.

And without her, i cannot live. God took her away from me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody is responsible for my suicide, except love.

On Selfishness

2007-07-12T11:05:00.000+05:30

The word 'Selfish' is one which we all come across in our lives. What is the first thought that comes to our minds on hearing this?

"He is a selfish person."

What kinds of emotions does one get from hearing such a statement? Does this mean he is bad? Or he is not good to be friend's with?

Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. [Dictionary.com]

Is caring for ones' needs bad? Or is is that we should sacrfice our needs for others? Or compromise our needs with that of others? Or sacrifice our dreams for others?

Has education helped us looking at the world in an impartial way? Or has it already instilled positive and negative connotations of events? Are words supposed to have connotations which is universal? Does it not change from person to person? Does education strive to enhance our thinking abilities or stunt them? Are they churning us into individuals who are capable of thinking on our own or into robots who are programmed with a mindset as dictated by the 'current education system'? Is there freedom of thought? Or are we tied down?

Jibesh talks about a new world in this context.

I found this picture funny. [While searching for good pictures to go with the post]

The 8 random facts- TAG

2007-06-25T19:51:00.000+05:30

I have been taggged by Archana, though at a different blog of mine.

1) I am currently preparing for MA Economics entrances.
2) I love reading-be it books or blogs.
3) I love Economics, Psychology and Philosophy.
4) I immensely enjoy The Doors and Metallica.
5) I love travelling without making prior plans.
6) I admire all kinds of art.
7) I wish to visit Gokarna(again) and Hasimara.
8) I enjoy writing.
The rules laid down by the originator of the meme are as follows

1) Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2) People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3) At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
4) If you fail to do this within eight hours, you will not reach Third Series or attain your most precious goals for at least two more lifetimes.

[The 4th rule baffles me]

I tag
1) Jibesh
2) Melpomene
3) Mystic rose
4) Silverine
5) Tinkerbells
5) Velu Nair
6) BVN
7) GP

On Learning

2007-06-15T20:35:00.000+05:30

Why do we learn? Is it for passing the exam? Or is it to get a job? Is it that there is always another motive for learning? Can we learn simply because we enjoy learning? Without bothering about the results? Is it possible?

"How is studies going?"
"I am enjoying it."
"Were you being sarcastic?"
:)
"No, i am not. I am indeed enjoying the whole process."

A long drive

2007-06-03T14:15:00.000+05:30

He didn't feel like going out, this time. Something within him told him not to go out, as he had an exam the day after. But he chose to go.

He and a couple of friends planned on going on a long drive as they had a car and 2 bikes at their disposal, which happened only once in a while. It was 9 in the night.

He liked the comfort of the car in comparison to the bikes. So they went. Listened to 'Safri Duo', told tales of their common past, laughed, felt so much at peace with the people he loved.

The time was 11 by the time they reached their destination-a hotel. It was closed.

They started the journey back. They pulled each others legs, argued about matters not pertaining to anyone, like always.

The car and the 2 bikes stopped after a while. Those on the bikes wanted to get into the car and the one driving the car wanted to enjoy the bike. But 'He' wanted to be inside the car. But those who wanted to sit inside the car was more.

He usually got his way, but this time he did not feel like getting his way. So he got on the bike.

The bike's head light had some problem as it used to go on and off. He felt that something wasnt right within himself. But he thought that he was imagining things. He saw an accident happening to him. He scolded himself for thinking of such thoughts.

2 minutes later. The bike swerves too much to the left. His leg hits a stone post. He gets thrown from the bike. He looses all sensation below his left knee.

His friends arrive in the car, lift him up and take him to the hospital. The X ray is taken and they find the femur broken into three, the lower end of femur shattered and the knee cap broken into three.

In the following months, lots of people come to visit him. They say "It was meant to happen." He thought to himself that he always had a choice to get down from the bike, which he didnt.

Destiny Vs Choice

2007-05-23T19:50:00.000+05:30

I have been listening to 'Redemption Song' by Bob Marley. The lines which strike me are:

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.

Is our behaviour based on some groups or some one else's? Are we really free? Do we look for help or do we help ourselves?

How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? ooh!
Some say its just a part of it:
Weve got to fulfil de book.

This is about destiny. Do we stand aside and say that 'it is meant to happen'?

Is this Love?

2007-05-11T16:16:00.000+05:30

What is love? Is it a spontaneous emotion or a conscious choice? Has my 'lover' already been decided by destiny? Do i not have the option to choose my 'lover'?

How do i know i even love another person? Is it when i think about her always? Is it when i cant resist saying 'I love you' everyday? Or is when i need to see her picture everyday? Or is it when i need to talk to her everyday? Does one fall in love when one has all the above mentioned feelings, along with much more?

Or is love a conscious choice to 'love' another person? Implying that i will be there for her always and expecting that she must be there for me always too. Or is it accepting another person as he or she is?

A post by Mystic Rose talked about how a girl felt beautiful ONLY with the love of another person. Or do we need a lover in order to find ourseves?

Are we on the journey to find our lover or to find ourselves? Or are they both concomitant to each other?

Can this story be said to be one of love?

Nature-Part 3

2007-05-02T15:20:00.000+05:30

I did not think that I would have another part to write on my experiences with animals when Neihal asked me. After a day, it dawned upon me that I had other interactions with the ‘beauties’ of nature.

1)Antlion a.k.a Kuzhi Aana: I found these tiny, cute animals in the outer sides of my house and the walls. They made cone shaped holes in the mud. They looked extremely pretty and artistic. It is extremely difficult to make one like that to perfection. They move backward. [Only recently did I come to know that they did not move backwards, but forwards. It appears like they move backward, due to their body shape.] Now for the catching part; I used to pick ants and put them in the ‘kuzhi aana’s’ cone shaped house; when the ant tried to escape the mud in the sides fell down and this would send a signal to the ‘kuzhi aana’. As soon as it comes out, I used to catch it. It is extremely small. And the body is extremely soft. I used to catch them and put them in a tray filled with sand. They used to lie still for a while and then they start digging into the mud. I do not see them in cities. [Thanks to Jac, for enlightening me on their English name.]

2)Dragon Flies: These days I long to see dragon flies. When I was small, I used to wait for them to be stationary and then move my hand slowly and catch them on their tail. I miss seeing the various colours of dragon flies. There used to be one such dragon fly- ‘kallukudiyan pakki’ (Translated into English as the ‘alcoholic dragon fly’) which I and my cousins used to be terrified of. But, the chickens in my house used to like eating them, so I used to catch them. (Very rarely) I once got bit too. But, these days, I wonder if it is because of the lack of trees and flowers that I fail to see dragon flies and butter flies. Or if it is because I don’t try ‘seeing’ them.

3)Mynah: This incident took place when I studied in 4th. I found a newly hatched mynah whose mother was flying close by. I then learnt that it was too weak to fly. So I carried it to my flat and kept it in a card board box filled with hay. We did not know what to feed it. Anyhow, my grandmother fed it banana with her hands. It was a sweet sight. I so loved it. I always stare at mynas now. I do not understand what they do, but it gives me joy watching such birds.

The Paragraph Tag

2007-04-26T20:10:00.000+05:30

The books i am reading now has only math or only english(GRE). :)So both wont do for the tag given by Neihal, who says that 'straight line is the shortest distance' .

The last book i read was Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha. It does not have a page 123. This excerpt is from page 118-first paragraph.

'I know that,' said Siddhartha, smiling radiantly, 'I know that, Govinda, and here we find ourselves within the range of meanings, within the conflict of words, for i will not deny that my words about love are in apparent contradiction to the teachings of Gautam. That is just why i distrust words so much, for i know that this contradiction is an illusion. I know that i am at one with Gautam.'

For those who 'see' the illusion will break away.

Is communication limited?

I tag-Tinkerbells, Iris, Purple Dreams, Gopal and Sreejith Unni.

The rules:

Name the person (of course with the link) who tagged you.

Describe what you are asked to do, in this case publish 5th paragraph of page 123 of the book you are currently reading. (if the page does not have 5th paragraph, take the last paragraph. And if the book doesn’t have page no. 123, take the last page.)

Tag five people.

The Rude Man

2007-04-17T12:45:00.000+05:30

I work in a vegetable shop. I have not been to a school. I am not aware of table manners and am not a ‘gentleman’. I listen to the customers orders and I pack the vegetables according to that.

So one evening, a young customer comes. I had not noticed him much earlier. I was serving customers so he had to wait. And he waited.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was given the responsibility of buying vegetables from the local shop. I reach the shop and look around the shop and enjoy the various vegetables all neatly arranged. The shop was in a busy mode when I reached. I waited.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pitch black. A lamp shone, not very brightly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked the ‘person’ to get me a Cabbage. He told me that the stock had finished. The next on my list was a Pumpkin. As soon as I asked him, he replied “The stock of Pumpkin is also over.” with an irritated voice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The customer asked me for a Cabbage which was out of stock, so I told him that. Then he wanted a Pumpkin, which again I told him was out of stock.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“There is no need for you to get angry! I just asked if I can have a Pumpkin.”

“I did not get angry.”

“You did sound angry.”

A smile creeps across the customer’s face. The ‘man’ looks surprised on hearing the retort by the customer. The ‘man’ moves away, to serve the next customer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 'man' wonders as to why his 'talk' got interpreted in a rude manner by the customer.

[Author's note: Does education create so much of disparity in thinking between one with education and one without it? Does the educated understand? Does he/she try to? Are such generalisations of behaviour good in nature?]

On Freedom

2007-04-10T19:35:00.000+05:30

Freedom is a word, which I use in many a circumstance. Thanks to a post by Cosmic Clown, I found the quote by Salvador Dali, a Surrealist painter (I admire his art) which gives ‘freedom’ the meaning, as I see it.

"I am painting pictures which make me die for joy, I am creating with an absolute naturalness, without the slightest aesthetic concern, I am making things that inspire me with a profound emotion and I am trying to paint them honestly." -- Salvador Dalí, in Dawn Ades, Dalí and Surrealism.

Freedom is non conforming to any standards.
Freedom is a part of love.
Freedom is what beauty stands for.
Freedom is life.

Is ‘freedom’ present in this world? Will this freedom be allowed to permeate? No, lest it attacks the very foundations of society, of identities, of cultures, etc. A person who ‘lives’ might be labelled an outcast or a deviant or an odd person.

Do we follow our heart? Or do we follow others?

Live in freedom. Freedom in the emotional and mental sense. Free from ‘even the quest for freedom’. [Kahlil Gibran: On Freedom- Tip: BVN]

Live!

The Angels

2007-04-02T17:20:00.000+05:30

My parents are deeply religious people. They told me stories of heaven and hell and of angels and demons. I grew up along with these stories. These stories always made me listen in awe and admiration. Angels and heaven got inscribed in the deepest depths of my souls. I used to think of reaching heaven and meeting the angels in person. I badly wanted to meet them.

My conversations with my friends were always animated with angels and demons. Some of my friends got intoxicated by my stories. I promised myself that I would seek them and I would unravel the locked up tales about their existence, which my parents and elders were not able to tell me.

I decided to pursue my goal. I needed to travel and so I needed to leave home. I told my parents of my plans. They reprimanded me saying ‘You are just 18. What would you know about living? What do you know about this world?’ I kept quiet. I had already decided that I would leave. They did not expect me to leave. But I left the following day.

I travelled. I met lots of people, both elder and younger to me. I asked them about angels. Few laughed at me. Few walked off. Some told me more stories about them. Those some, who told me more stories, told me I would never unravel the mystery. This gave me more strength to go on.

Why did I want to meet the angels? What was its purpose? What is the purpose of my life? I went on. I needed answers. My soul gave me only questions. I tried to find the answers from the people I met. Some answers satiated my mind for a while, but the same thoughts sprang up again. I was not appeased within. I thought of my parents, my friends and my elders. I questioned why I left them. I did not know. I lost all sense of direction. I did not know my goal. I had lost my goal in the midst of my thoughts. I stumbled. I fell. I grew feeble. Here and there, people lifted me up. They encouraged me. They motivated me.

I saw happiness in such deeds. I felt joy. I did not know why I felt bliss when I was helped, when I was motivated. I listened hard. I reflected. I saw many bright faces, people who had helped me and cared for me in my past. I saw myself. I heard my soul.

My journey had ended. I found my angels. I am nearing 50.

[The author was reading Herman Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund. Some thoughts might appear similar]

Nature-Part 2

2007-03-27T22:17:00.000+05:30

I had earlier blogged about my interactions with animals. This is the post I thought I would write then.

Ants: I think I was in first or second standard. I used to make houses with the aid of cardboard and the paper boxes of medicines which we had plenty in the house. I used to cut paper trees out and also make different sizes of houses. I then caught a few ants and placed them in this newly built house. I wanted them to be free. [Note:BVN] I also sprinkled sugar in this ‘housing complex for ants’ so that more of tem would come and live there. I wonder if this was ‘enough incentive’ for them to do so. But, I sure had a lot of joy watching them. They are very hard working in their ‘manual labour’.

Hens: In my childhood, most oh the houses kept hens and chickens. I used wait for the eggs to hatch. I used to dream about different colours. There used to be a kind of hen without feathers in the neck (I forgot the name) and one with feather like a cap on its head. I used to be their security guard against the eagle and the crows. I used to dig up termites for them and show them where to find it. Though I later realised, that I babied them too much. I showed a certain chicken a lot of termites, which it ate, only to find that it died the next day by excreting blood. (I was heart broken) I rarely hear the sound of hens anymore.

Squirrels: My cousin (different cousin) and neighbour caught a squirrel when it was small. I used to visit their house for they had cows, hen, ducks, ‘tree dog’ and a squirrel. I used to love the squirrel and it used to allow me to take him. We used to play with it. I had a very jolly time. Though once it bit me. It did not need a cage as it knew where it lived. But then, it suddenly left the house. Then it never used to come regularly. I later found out that during times of winter, when it did not find food, it used to return to my cousin who used to feed it.

Bat: Well, I do what I found was a full fledged bat but was a small one. [Njarkeel in Malayalam] I found it in my cousin’s courtyard. Their house was built in 1946 and owls, bats, doves, ‘mara patti’ (Could you tell me the English name) etc live there. So found the ‘bat’ and I was seeing for the first time in my life. I took it up in my hands. I noticed that it has small cute ears. I also noticed a similarity between its face and that of a goat. [No idea how. I even thought that it was the young of a goat] I carried it to my house. I showed it to my grandfather and told him I am going to grow it. He told me that if it dies it will stink and also that how will it eat. I didn’t know what it ate too. Anyways, I got my way and kept it in a plate like thing on my steps. I wasn’t able to feed it anything and it was not able to fly. It did a very ‘stinky’ death after 2 days and I got yelled at, for the ‘smell’ I brought.

On seeing and beauty

2007-03-21T13:13:00.000+05:30

[Artist: avotius]

“These people saw nothing, knew nothing, and noticed nothing; nothing touched them.”

Do we really see? Do we notice things? Or are we so accustomed to seeing only what we want to see? Is there something beyond what we usually see?

“How could these things be so beautiful, this golden glow underneath the water, these shadows and insinuations, all these unreal, fairylike apparitions- so inexpressibly beautiful and delightful, when they were the exact opposite of the beauty an artist might create? The beauty of those undistinguishable objects was without form and consisted of nothing but misery. This was the very opposite of the form and absolute precision of works of art.”

[Artist:j4m3sb0nd]

What is beauty? Is it something which the ‘age’ decides? Is it fleeting like a fad? Or is it eternal? Are our eyes able to notice the beauty of the world around us? Or are we so used to it that we tend not to see it?

[The sentences in italics is from Hermann Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund]

On Relationships

2007-03-14T18:10:00.000+05:30

[Artist:Tigran]
[Photograph: Link]

When two people come together, there is a tendency whereby one person imposes or tries to impose his or her ideology upon the other. But for such contrasting ideologies and firm beliefs, there would not be any disturbances or fights. It is generally when, one person does not accept or does not take into consideration the other person’s ideology that conflicts often arise.

I was reading Hermann Hesse’s ‘Narcissus and Goldmund’ at the suggestion of my friend Thinley; and that is when a certain paragraph caught my attention.

“I’m serious. We are not meant to come together, not any more than the sun and moon were meant to come together, or sea and land. We are sun and moon, dear friend; we are sea and land. It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is: each the other’s opposite and complement.”

Yes. Try to see oneself with the aid of a friend or a spouse or a sibling. Trying to make another person behave or think like one, will lead to distress. Because, an individual will not think or act similar to another person.

Understanding the differences and accepting them is crucial in any relationship. Of course, a relationship can exist where there is always discourses stating why a ‘certain act’ is condemned. But again, exploring oneself and trying to understand the true nature of oneself is possible when one’s counterpart accepts the real you.

Sound of Silence

2007-03-06T21:32:00.000+05:30

This was the title of a song sung by Simon and Garfunkel in 1964.

Silence is within us. When we can enjoy silence it means that we can listen to what is happening around us. At other times, the outside silence helps us in hearing ourselves. Both ways silence helps.

Silence, peace, calm, tranquil, quiet, etc are all related to one another and are part of the same whole ‘emotion’.

Silence could mean listening to the sounds of the nature- fluttering butterflies, buzzing bees, leaves dancing, toads croaking, cocks crowing, etc. Each of our senses let us enjoy different experiences in different ways. Exploring the beauty of ourselves coupled with experiencing the beauty of nature, gives each one of us a pleasurable and intimate experience, however varied it may seem. This variety is what contributes to the ‘beauty of nature’.

A minute of silence a day will make a difference. As in this ‘busy’ world, we often forget to hear such ‘sounds of silence’.

Enjoy this song by Simon and Garfunkel.

[PS: Inspired by reading BVN’s post on Yeats and The Doors]

[And BVN, Scorsese is coming out with a movie title 'Silence' in 2008.]

Death embracing Life

2007-03-01T21:32:00.000+05:30

The Door,

Opens as time nears.

Why do we fear the Door?

The journey continues.

Why try to stop?

Can we stop?

Is there an end?

The journey will go on.

The Door will open.

Music, an art, which dissolves our emotions and fuses the song and the hearer, makes us alive in tune with the temperament of the song.

Such a song is ‘The End’ sung by ‘The Doors’.

The song starts such:

This is the end

Beautiful friend

This is the end

My only friend, the end

Is death to be feared? Or is it to be embraced? Is death an end? Or a bend in our journey?

If it is just a fork in our journey, would we behave differently? And what if it were an end, a full stop?

Life is being. [Go here to see a poem on the pleasure of being] Life is the present, present based on the past and the future predicted based on the past. Both past and present are not within our reach. It is the ‘present’ that is within reach

This is an excerpt from ‘Die Slowly’ written by Pablo Neruda. [Thanks BVN, for introducing him]

He who becomes the slave of habit,

who follows the same routes every day,

who never changes pace,

who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,

who does not speak and does not experience,

dies slowly..

So live life. Death is only the future. Live in the present.

Do we experience life?

2007-02-23T11:42:00.000+05:30

This post is related to destiny. I had earlier blogged on this.

Are we in control of our lives? Or is there some force who has already laid down a path for us? Does it mean that we do not have our future in our hands?

Existentialism is a philosophical movement in which individual human beings are understood as having full responsibility for creating the meanings of their own lives. The movement had its origins in the 19th century. [Wikipedia]

"Existentialism" is a term that belongs to intellectual history. [Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy]

Some of the thinkers [My favourites] associated with Existentialism are Albert Camus, Joseph Conrad, Hermann Hesse, Franz Kafka, Jean-Paul Sartre, O. V. Vijayan and Abraham H. Maslow.

A Digression

Sartre says that Phenomenology (phenomenology is an approach to philosophy that begins with
1) an exploration of phenomena) is not a study of how things seem to us to be or what it is like to have experiences (as some people take it to be)
2) but a study of what it is for something to appear to us
3) which is the same as studying what it is for us to be aware of something (i.e., studying consciousness).

[Webber 2005]

As our present actions and thoughts are all based on our previous experiences and from the notions based on our inferences of the past, does it not mean that we are tied down to our past? Are we free?

Coming back to ‘destiny’, one could either believe that we have no control of ourselves and say that ‘things happened because it was meant to happen’ OR believe that things happen as a result of our choice and say ‘this went wrong because of my choice’.

Can we not enrich our lives if we are fully aware about our responsibilities arising out of each choice that we make?
Are each of our choices made with the utmost thought? Or do we do things for the sake of doing them? And then if things go wrong, blame it on ‘destiny’?

Are we really experiencing life?

Further Links

Go here to read a cartoon on Existentialism. [Humorous]

Are we free?

2007-02-19T13:38:00.000+05:30

Being free is the ultimate form of happiness. Being free means doing things which one loves and not doing things for the sake of doing it or making someone else happy. There are no strings attached to freedom. Being free also means free from all attachments to our past and just living.

Or do we like to be under some thing, person or memory? Do we like to fall back on someone or do we like to wallow in our past? Do we always need to have someone to be able to feel secure? And do we need constant reminders from ‘that’ person that ‘they’ care?
[She says this after she finished singing the song in the above video.]“Freedom is inside of me. It means that I am not hung up with (like) anybody’s idea of how I should be. I am outside of society. I am an artist. Rock and roll is my art. I am a nigger of the universe and I am free because I can look up and scream and put my fists in the air. I don’t give a shit. I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of anything except for the fear itself.” –Patti Smith, After performing ‘Gloria’, 1976. [I have doubts about the accuracy of the words used. Please do let me know if you get the accurate one.]

Two works of artists from Deviant Art caught my attention.

1) Celsojunior

The author’s comments: “When I look at this image I feel peace, harmony and happiness, everything at the same time. This vector represents a real/virtual freedom. It's you who decides!”

2) Isacg

The author’s comments: "A song of freedom is on my lips today"

Both these works portray freedom. The backdrop is different in both of them. But, they try to send the same message of ‘freedom’.

The first one tries to talk of harmony and co existence. It also tries to show the opposites. There are two kinds of trees shown- one with leaves and the other without them. The people shown in the picture enjoy the nature. There is a feeling of happiness.

The second one is about being one with the nature and experiencing it to the fullest. The picture also tells us of the beauty of nature.

Can freedom exist in this world? Don’t relationships have strings attached always? Do we yearn for freedom? For us to progress, do we need to be dependent?

Why?

2007-02-12T17:47:00.000+05:30

Why are we born? What is our purpose in life? Where are we going next? Many questions in this line of thought were asked and are still asked. Only theories can be promulgated; we cannot say for sure what will happen after death or why we were born.

The thinkers of various time periods tried to express their concerns regarding such questions. Some expressed them through paintings, some through writing, some through speeches etc.

I am going to talk about one such painting. It was done by an artist called Paul Gauguin.

This painting was titled - Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?
This was painted in 1897.

Here is an explanation of the painting from "Sister Wendy's American Masterpieces".

"This is Gauguin's ultimate masterpiece - if all the Gauguins in the world, except one, were to be evaporated (perish the thought!), this would be the one to preserve. He claimed that he did not think of the long title until the work was finished, but he is known to have been creative with the truth. The picture is so superbly organized into three "scoops" - a circle to right and to left, and a great oval in the center - that I cannot but believe he had his questions in mind from the start. I am often tempted to forget that these are questions, and to think that he is suggesting answers, but there are no answers here; there are three fundamental questions, posed visually.

"On the right (Where do we come from?), we see the baby, and three young women - those who are closest to that eternal mystery. In the center, Gauguin meditates on what we are. Here are two women, talking about destiny (or so he described them), a man looking puzzled and half-aggressive, and in the middle, a youth plucking the fruit of experience. This has nothing to do, I feel sure, with the Garden of Eden; it is humanity's innocent and natural desire to live and to search for more life. A child eats the fruit, overlooked by the remote presence of an idol - emblem of our need for the spiritual. There are women (one mysteriously curled up into a shell), and there are animals with whom we share the world: a goat, a cat, and kittens. In the final section (Where are we going?), a beautiful young woman broods, and an old woman prepares to die. Her pallor and gray hair tell us so, but the message is underscored by the presence of a strange white bird. I once described it as "a mutated puffin," and I do not think I can do better. It is Gauguin's symbol of the afterlife, of the unknown (just as the dog, on the far right, is his symbol of himself).

"All this is set in a paradise of tropical beauty: the Tahiti of sunlight, freedom, and color that Gauguin left everything to find. A little river runs through the woods, and behind it is a great slash of brilliant blue sea, with the misty mountains of another island rising beyond Gauguin wanted to make it absolutely clear that this picture was his testament. He seems to have concocted a story that, being ill and unappreciated (that part was true enough), he determined on suicide - the great refusal. He wrote to a friend, describing his journey into the mountains with arsenic. Then he found himself still alive, and returned to paint more masterworks. It is sad that so great an artist felt he needed to manufacture a ploy to get people to appreciate his work. I wish he could see us now, looking with awe at this supreme painting." [ REFERENCE]

This painting tries to chart humanity’s woes and also tries to picture the unknown. The artist has very well blended in, the stages of life in a single painting.

A digression on painting: "Painting is the most beautiful of all arts. In it, all sensations are condensed; contemplating it, everyone can create a story at the will of his imagination and-with a single glance-have his soul invaded by the most profound recollections; no effort of memory, everything is summed up in one instant. -A complete art which sums up all the others and completes them.” [Excerpted from "Theories of Modern Art", by Herschel B. Chipp]

As questions are asked, and answers found and rejected, the spirit of knowledge pulls our boundaries of thought, far and wide.

We, the viewer

2007-02-06T09:53:00.000+05:30

We are tied down by a lot of commitments which prevents us from following our heart. Millions of people have realized this and they have expressed their concerns and views in different forms-of art.

One such form is-the art of writing. Writers have talked about this concept of individuality in different ways and through varied ways of writing i.e. through fiction, non fiction, poetry etc.

The path taken is different but the outcome is more or less the same. The experience varies with each different path chosen. So in the end, it is the path or the experience that matters and not the outcome alone.

"We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies—all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes." -ALDOUS HUXLEY in 'The Doors of Perception'

Art is expression and expressions of the artists are communicated through their art. The viewer does not always or mostly get what the artist intends. Why is it so? We see only what we want to see.

"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through' narrow chinks of his cavern." –WILLIAM BLAKE in The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

Notes

You can read ‘The Doors of perception’ online here.

The 'odd' man

2007-01-18T17:03:00.000+05:30

He looked odd. I didn’t take a liking to him in the first meeting itself.

He never combed his hair like others. I wonder what stopped him from ironing his clothes, especially his shirt. He used to come to the office wearing a rumpled shirt. He never tucked in his shirt like us. But the management was pleased with him, I suppose, otherwise they would not have chosen him.

My colleagues and I were not too happy with him. He used to do his work and then used to head straight back home, without coming to the canteen or the recreation centre. I guess he came to work just for the money.

We did not know where he lived and we never bothered to ask him, because we felt he had an ‘air of pride’ around him.

I do not know why, but from the ‘first impression’ I got, he seemed to be arrogant and very egoistic. I used to discuss about the ‘odd’ man to my colleagues and they too used to nod their heads in agreement when I said he was very selfish.

I did not talk to him because he seemed like one, who does not care much about others. I disliked him.

At times, my heart told me to be like the ‘odd’ man. Then this ‘talking with my heart’ stopped. And he remained ‘odd’ to me forever.

The Road

2007-01-10T19:27:00.000+05:30

The Road

I am walking.

On my way, I see stones of various colours and shapes lying in my path. At times, I place my foot on them and at times I try not to stamp them. I see dried leaves and live green grass on my way.

The wind is blowing. The breeze touches my face like a cold hand. My clothes are brought closer to my body. The wind defines my body. I enjoy the wind.

The sun directs its rays on the road of which I am a part now. The rays make my body hot and make my head ache. But, the cold hand of the wind soothes me.

I see only my next step. I make the next step with all my heart and with utmost care to avoid stumbling. I do not see my destination. I fall at times. I get pricked by the thorny bushes. I feel pain and I get to know pain.

I do not know where the road leads to. All I know if I have taken each step with care. I am happy.

[The path is important. Focus on the path and experience the path. If the path has been chosen well, the outcome will follow.]

The Sweet Shop

2007-01-08T21:56:00.000+05:30

The Sweet Shop

I owned a sweet shop. I sold red and yellow coloured jilebis. I also sold various kinds of mixture and murukku.

I opened the shops only after 6 in the evening. I used to make all the sweets myself and that used to take up most of the morning and afternoon. At times, when I feel extremely tired, I used to seek the help of my son.

Let me describe the outlay and appearance of my shop. My shop was a tiny one in which there was just enough space for 2 adults to stand. I had a stove at the back, wherein I used to make my sweets. I preferred making them at the back of my shop because I could serve my customers warm sweets. I didn’t have a name for my shop. People just called it ‘the sweet shop’.

I had been selling sweets for the greater part of my life. All that I have learnt to do in my life is to make sweets.

I used to give my customers few sweets to eat, while I packed them their sweets. I used to enjoy watching my customers relish the sweets I made, in front of my eyes.

There used to be a crowd in front of my shop which used to start from 6 and went on till I closed my shop at 9 in the night. I could only afford to have 3 hours of sales as I had to make all the sweets myself.

I then realised that big bakeries and confectioneries were wooing customers away from me. Though, many customers remained loyal to me for a while, they were vulnerable to offers like free home delivery, air conditioned shops with music playing, etc.

I sold sweets till my last customer went.

[This proves Ernest Hemingway’s statement that “A man can be destroyed but not defeated.” In his book called ‘The old man and the Sea’.]

From a diary

2007-01-03T15:17:00.000+05:30

From a diary

[I found this in a diary which I found of late. I have not mentioned the different dates, which was mentioned; instead I have merged all of it into a compact story. I believe I have done justice to the ‘diary’]

They seemed to go along very well. She was a year older to him. I had never seen them bickering. She was doing her final year of post graduation while he was in his first year.

They never followed a pattern but seemed rather spontaneous and sudden. Their meetings were never chalked out before. But when they met, perfect agreement and acceptance could be sensed and felt. I did not yet have a name for the relationship they shared. I could not classify them as either friends or lovers. There seemed to be an air of something beautiful and pleasant surrounding them. Immaculate would be a better word.

This milieu did not attract me. It never pushed me away but left me as I was.

I had seen them laughing, crying, discoursing on subjects which appeared arcane to me. They never seemed to force their ideas and wants on each other. Their relationship was not demanding in nature instead it brought out the best of the abilities.

On certain days, she never met him as she spent time studying. I believe, they were in love; if at all what I experienced and saw, could fall under the wings of love.

I do not know if their peers had noticed any acquaintance between them, as they did not conform to the usual pattern of a ‘relationship’. According to the set standards, their relation would be referred to as a bland one. But I seriously doubt it.

After they passed out, I searched for such a relation, but I failed. They used to send out very strong vibes of love.

I later came to know that they did not get married.

I cannot define or explain love, but it has been tried. It can only be experienced. After this incident I was sure that love does not necessarily lead to a marriage.

------

Destiny

2006-12-15T21:28:00.000+05:30

Is it for real?
Or is it a myth?
Or a lie?
I do not know.

I know I exist,
So do my surroundings.

Change is destiny;
But not
Its magnitude
And direction.

We are in control,
Of our lives.
So take control,
Today!

The Painter

2006-12-07T08:17:00.000+05:30

Sojourner pointed me out to a competition taking place in Ghost Particle's blog. So thats
how i got this story. Ghost Particle has allowed me to publish it. I thank all my friends
who commented on it.[Lot of names, so i am not including it]

The story is titled as I not one. :)

I

I do not know the exact date I came into this earth.
My parents never told me the date I was born as I have
never seen them. I just believe that I do have parents
and a big happy family somewhere.

I was a young boy who liked asking questions. I wanted to
know the reasons for many things. I asked people around me,
but they were angry at me for asking questions. I did not
understand why they did that. I could hear them telling people
who tried to think, not to think. This must have made me
to think more and more.

I kept to myself mostly. I admired the beauty around me,
the grass, the brown mud, the mango trees, the coconut palms
and other houses. I saw colourful flowers.

When my friends were taught about colours in school, the teacher
told them that grey, black and brown were dull colours and green,
red and orange were bright colours. And everybody wanted and
loved bright colours.

Since, I had not been to any school I liked all colours in the same way.
I looked for different colours around me and I found that this world
was made up of many different colours. I liked the crows especially.
My friends never thought much about the crows as they were black.

I was called a fool for not following the crowd because I liked the crows.
It didn’t matter to me as I wasn’t schooled nor brought up as the others
were. In fact, I never went to any school and nor did I have parents to
bring me up.

I grew up. I did various jobs for a living. I worked in a tea stall,
as a mechanic, as a painter and as a driver. There were many
other jobs which I did, but were of a more ‘petty’ nature. I learnt
to do many things. My friends at that time were studying
in 10^th standard. I used to see them get scolded for playing
in the evening after coming back from school.

I used to see them rarely, so there was not much of dislike
towards me. But I used to get a feeling that their parents did not
approve their friendship with me as I did not fit in to their ‘standards’.
They used to tell me their desires. One friend wanted to be a doctor
but their parents wanted an engineer in the family; another wanted
to be a singer, but his parents told him that a doctor is more respectable
than a singer and that they get more dowries; and the tale goes on.
I asked one friend why he had not told his parents his wishes.
This was his reply “I love my father very much and I don’t
like to see them sad. Moreover, they took care of me so well for
these many years. I should be able to sacrifice this much at least.”

The answer left me broken. I felt the pain. I cried. I felt sorry
for my friend who gave up his greatest desire for his family.
And he was really proud of the sacrifice he made. I asked myself if
I would really sacrifice my greatest desire for anything. I decided
I would not.

I was like a stranger in this world. My name never appeared
in any newspapers. No one knew me. No one came to me.
I shifted jobs after my friends completed their 12^th standard.
They went to different colleges in and outside my country.

I loved to paint. I loved to capture the beauty of the nature
with my strokes. I always knew that my paintings would never
be as good as the original. The real beauty could never be copied
by me. But I still liked painting. So with all the money
I had saved, I spent them on my paintings. I would sit all day,
staring at the trees and the mountains all arranged so well,
as if some one had put them all there. I used to imagine myself
rearranging the hills and the trees and placing them elsewhere.
But the rearrangement never looked as beautiful as the real one.
I spent nights without drawing; but just staring into the
star filled sky and at times into the dark sky. I tried counting
the number of stars. I was never able to count them fully as
I used to get confused in between and I just knew to count till hundred.

I used to roam around, travel widely in buses and trains. Whenever I
was in villages I preferred traveling in bullock driven carts. I enjoyed
the bumpy ride. I used to travel just for the sake of the ‘bumpy ride’.

I had earned money and had kept away some for my paintings.
I had neverbeen in banks because I didn’t know how to fill up forms
and I didn’t find the need to.

I am sixty years old now. When I look back at my past, it seems
just like a dream to me. I came with nothing and I know I will go
with nothing too. Out of these sixty years, I traveled through towns,
cities and villages. Villages always used to be my weakness.
So here I am aged and living in a village. In my thatched cottage,
I have devoted one room for my paintings. No one has ever seen them
and I doubt if anyone would ever see them.

I cry thinking of all the people who sacrificed their dreams for
their loved ones. I still cry thinking of people who view black as dull.
For a painter, all colours are equally important. I still cry for people
who compare themselves with others and end up feeling dejected.
I don’t know if my cries will last longer.
I know I have not taken anything from this world.

I still think of the day when I decided to follow my dream, the dream to
become a painter. I rest everyday knowing within, that I have succeeded.

The End

PS: I do not know if it ends here.

The last date for sending the stories is December 29th, so take the plunge. :) Please share your thoughts about 'THE PAINTER'. Not that he would care, but i do care.

Unique

2006-12-02T10:14:00.000+05:30

Artist: Armored-dogg2

Please others,
Or please thyself,
Whichever is more fuller?

Does thou gain by pleasing others?
Or do thy value ‘their’ pleasure more?

Try not to judge,
Based on societal standards,
For every human is unique,
And precious.

Know thyself.
Accept thyself.
Honour thyself.

If not,
Then try to.

An emotion

2006-11-26T15:32:00.000+05:30

Photographer: Gilad Benari

So scarce and hard to find,
Though in plenty,

More want it,
Less give it.

Not stereotypical,
Thus hard to recognise.

So priceless,
And inimitable.

Not very salient,
But eternal,
And immaculate.

And,
Inarticulate.

The Touch

2006-11-19T21:54:00.000+05:30

Being in touch with the pristine elements,
Offers ebullience and exuberance.

In times of foul weather
Such places offer fair weather.

At times,
Such contact happens;
By chance,
By misadventure,
By volition, rarely.

A paragon of love,
Albeit inexorable.

So tarry not,
Lest the link sever.

Picture Link

Angels

2006-11-12T08:04:00.000+05:30

Colourful, yet dull,
Beautiful, yet fleeting,
Helpful, yet insignificant,
Angels.

Arrives unaccompanied,
Contrary to beliefs.

Spreads warmth and light,
Unnoticed,
Eluding,
Albeit prominent.

Obtuse,
Sluggish and
Dull.
Yet,
Utile.

[Thank you, my dear Angels!]

Picture Link

1) www.bobbyneeladams.com/angels.html

Aren't we weary?

2006-11-05T19:01:00.000+05:30

Are we merely temporal?
Or are we eternal?
Or is it all beyond our ken?

Aren’t we weary,
Of the bathos of life?
Seeming very lustrous,
Yet so trivial.

Aren’t we weary,
By the conspicuousness,
By the hastiness,
Which the ‘bon ton’ demand?

Are we to succumb?
Are we to struggle,
With the fear of failing?
Or ought we,
To struggle withal?

The 'AGO' tag

2006-11-03T12:20:00.000+05:30

BVN has cruelly tagged me. J

Rules :

1. Write 8-10 things about childhood that you miss.
2. Write 8-10 things that you disliked about childhood.
3. Tag a few people.

"childhood is 1-12 years " - Silverine, proprietor.

Silverine has made it difficult, but at times feels good to recover long lost memories from within.

My childhood days miss me, because

1) We used to sneak inside nursing colleges within the campus [CMC Vellore] and even the annexe, to catch fish, mainly guppies and other freshwater fishes. We used to catch them with our bare hands and then one sprint back home, and the fish have got themselves a new home and a caring father. :)
2) During the kite flying season, we used to buy kites worth 5, 10 and 20 rupees. Rs20 might have been my costliest kite. We used to have ‘kite fights’, whereby one had to cut the string of the other kites. As soon as the other kites fell, which was more probable to happen, we used to run down 6 storeys and go claim ownership of our latest booty.
3) Then comes the ‘top season’. Childhood was the time for different kinds of seasons. Never used to know about summer, winter, etc. This again used to be a fight between tops. I can say with confidence, that I knew how to spin a top. There were 2 ways to do that; one was called ‘aamblayattam’ and the other ‘pomblayattam’. I have no clue as to why it was called so. In order to spin the top, the sole accessory was a thick thread. I still have a few tops somewhere.
4) I was the proud owner of a BSA bicycle, which had 2 extra small wheels. We used to play a lot of ‘kallan and police’ on that. Too many ingenious kids around.
5) On the stairs of residential complexes within the campus, people could find groups of 3 and 4 sitting and shouting “fights fought CLASH”. Then I didn’t even know what ‘fights fought’ meant. BVN’s post reminds me of my own days with the ‘WWF trump cards’.
6) The trips I used to make from Vellore to Kerala via train. Used to enjoy going in the train. I still do enjoy.
7) The ‘big babool cartoon strips’. My friends used to fight for that.
8) The times when I played, ‘Scotland yard” with my family.
9) ‘Monopoly’ with my cousins.
10) ‘Dark room’ with my cousins.

What I dislike about childhood

1) “Mone, go sit and study”
2) “Why are you like this? Finish all the food”
3) Boring maths (teachers)
4) Sleeping early.
5) Home work. Yuck!
6) Girls never understood the boys and neither did we. :) Used to be boisterous.
7) Teachers. Bah!
8) Getting up early! Children should be allowed to sleep till nine and the schools ought to start by 11.

I tag, with joy

1) Sreejith Kumar
2) Srijith Unni
3) Keshi
4) Maya
5) Iris

Thank you BVN.

A rumination

2006-10-29T20:24:00.000+05:30

The road stretches itself,
Plying is easy,
Viewing passing vehicles, a pastime,
Greenery lies forgotten,
Shades of green are visible.

Have we time?
Shouldn’t we speed?
To overtake,
Or wouldn’t we be slow,
In reaching.

Dragonflies, so merry,
Crows, so black,
Clouds, so pretty,
Trees, so delightfully green,
People, so nonchalant.

Picture link

Choice

2006-10-22T18:52:00.000+05:30

In life, choice is to do or not to do. Is ‘choice’ freedom? Humans have been gifted with ‘the act of choice’ which presumably is what makes man ‘superior’ or ‘different’.

Do we really choose what to do in life? Or do we succumb to someone else’s choice? The usually trodden path- isn’t this the path that has been tested and tried and found not to have much of struggles?

Are we really free to choose what we want to do in our lives? We are worried before choosing and after we have made the choice, we still remain worried. Worry forms a constant companion of most of us. Some may argue that ‘worrying’ is quintessential of humans.

Choosing the already tested path as well as journeying through ‘the road less travelled’ (To borrow from Scott peck) is freedom.

Having a choice is freedom, provided the choice is not based on a previous event. This is a moot point though. It is definitely difficult to exercise freedom when making a choice, because all our beliefs are tied to happenings in the past. Living in the present truly is difficult.

But, humans have an edge over others regarding the ability to ‘choose’ beyond their necessities.

Fear

2006-10-15T21:22:00.000+05:30

But for fear, there wouldn’t be any good prevailing. Some people fear goodness, as it isn’t personally rewarding. Others fear evil, as it is degrading mentally. Some fear fame, some power, some humility, some love, etc. Fear of something takes the individual away from the ‘feared’. And depending on the individual, ‘the feared’ varies.

Mostly, it is the fear of being looked down upon, which makes us crave for physical pleasures. These pleasures can be got either by more money, more power, more contacts etc. The fear of loosing or the fear of being overtaken in this ‘crazy race’ for more power is what makes individuals far off from ‘goodness’.

The destination is power, the capacity to control, the power to overlook others, etc gives individuals a sense of mental happiness.

Should we fear or worry about other overtaking us in terms of money or power? Should we view our quest in relation to those of others?

Is this fear inherent in all human or has this fear been created by those around us? If this fear has been created by others, what is the motive? Is it to pave a smooth life for us? Has this fear been able to actually guide and help us or has it been a deterring force in our lives?

Is seeing believing?

2006-10-07T13:59:00.000+05:30

Can people have different faces in dealing with different people? Or is that a requirement by the milieu one is in or are we taught that way? Are we being ourselves when we talk with others?

People have a natural way of acting as different people, depending on the people they talk with. This is most often disagreed or discredited saying that the profession or their job requires being different people.

Is seeing really believing? Can we trust all that we see? Is it not very easy for people to cheat us and flatter us by their actions and words? How do we deal with such people and more importantly, how do we recognise such people?

How hard is it for us to act? I think it is every easy for those who don’t have that prick of conscience within them. The actions of others which we' see' might not contain the feelings which we 'give' to it.

The problem with such acts is that, we tend to be happy by them and when we learn eventually that, those weren’t for real; we wonder how we or they could have gone wrong. We can only wonder. We might never come up with an answer. Mostly, acts which hurt others seem harmless on the surface, but the intentions might aren't so.

We see such people around us usually. Some of us fall prey to their actions and ultimately get hurt. And some of us recognise them, and is on their guard when dealing with them.

It is very easy to get lured in this world. There are people who enjoy luring people. And it is important that we limit our association with superficial people, for they are those, who live 2 lives. One character which they never reveal and yet another, and most shown one which is always made public.

Why so? It might be for professional reasons, monetary reasons or just for the sake of happiness. Whatever be it, we are creating a wall in ourselves, which restrains our full potential.

The Blogger of the Blog TAG

2006-10-04T18:59:00.000+05:30

I had taken up this tag from Silverine and I was waiting for the right time to write and that’s when Sreejith tags me. :)

1. Are you happy/satisfied with your blog, with its content and look? Does your family know about your blog?
I am happy and very satisfied with my blog and its content. Its looks don’t affect me. My family knows about the blog.

2. Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?
I never feel embarrassed to let my friends know about my blog. In fact I tell them.

3. Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?
It is because of the positive thoughts I had, I decided to blog in order to share them. I am still learning and sharing.

4. Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?
I definitely open the blogs of all those who comment on my blog and I also visit blogs randomly and from the blogrolls of my friends.

5.What does visitors counter mean to you? Do you care about putting it in your blog?
Visitors counter lets me know the number of people visiting my blog and if the numbers are high I am extremely pleased. If not, I am happy. Happy always. :)

6. Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?
I don’t. I am interested in their thoughts.

7. Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?
Benefit for me-yes. It keeps me mentally healthy. I hope it has benefited the readers.

8. Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?
I don’t think about it and I don’t care. But I believe this is a part of the society as feelings and emotions are shared, and in fact more than in the outside world.

9. Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it’s a normal thing?
It doesn’t annoy me. People ought to have different opinions. Criticism enhances my thought process.

10. Do you fear some political blogs and avoid them?
I don’t fear them. I am a team member of one such blog. (My profile will tell you that)

11. Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?
I don’t.

12. Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?
I haven’t given it a thought till I saw the tag. The blog is for a certain purpose and after that it will stop flowing.

13. What do you like to hear? What’s the song you might like to put a link to in your blog?
I like to hear silence. Seldom do I get to hear that.
The song I like is Stairway to heaven by Led Zeppelin.

I hereby tag Iris, Gaurav, Sarah, Lalitha , Keshi and Srijith.

Evil

2006-10-02T17:43:00.000+05:30

What is evil? Can it pervade our daily lives? Do we allow it? How do we differentiate between evil and good? Is it a very thin line between them?

Evil is very much prevalent in our daily lives. And we are in constant battle between these evil forces within us. Most of the times, we give in to evil and only rarely does goodness prevail. Why so? The easier path is the evil one.

The immediate thought which might arise is ‘Who decides what is good and bad?’ Everyone knows, deep down, what’s good and what’s bad. The spirit or soul or conscience in us tells us what the right choice is. If not there wouldn’t be confusions in our lives, and life would be bland.

There are evil people around us, as in their actions and thoughts are more evil than others. When this continues, good ceases to exist within them. And they behave in ways which harm people around them, and some even gain pleasure in that. Evil, just like goodness has no limits. Those who are malevolent tend to influence those around them and cause a lot of pain to them. And, unfortunately, sometimes, these people can be our near and dear ones.

If we start looking around us and within ourselves, we will be able to pinpoint our evil actions and those of others. How does this help us? This knowledge is contrary to the statement and belief that all the people in this world are good. Because associating with the malignant will harm us in our journey.

Evil is mostly associated with money, power, etc. There are definitely exceptions. And moreover, evil isn’t something which looks bad to bystanders, because the hurt will be felt by those for whom the action is intended. Evil people will be superficial in nature and are generally very congenial.

Just think!

The WEIRD tag

2006-09-30T17:21:00.000+05:30

The Iris has tagged me and I need to write six weird things about myself. Actually Gaurav had tagged me with this same tag earlier. I didn’t find anything weird about myself to post, but after I got tagged today, I started thinking again…..

…..I am not weird……

…..If what I did were weird to me, I would never have done them…..

…..If I did weird deeds, I wouldn’t be able to recognise the weirdness around me….

….What is weird for others might be normal for me…..

….If weirdness is normality for me, I can’t recognise weirdness….

…..Isn’t ‘weird’ a weirdly spelt word?.......

For me there is no weirdness within me and elsewhere….Its just a kind of comparison which is highly subjective….

Anyways, I pass this tag on to Keshi, Starry Nights, Sarah, Radhika and Sreejith Kumar.

Relationships

2006-09-24T22:54:00.000+05:30

A relationship is pre-designed and defined. Can a relationship be free? Can there be space between those in a relation?

A relation between two individuals is being in perfect harmony and understanding. Once a person has revealed his/her self, then the process of understanding is speedy. Without knowledge of our partner emotionally, the process of discernment is arduous.

Does an individual necessarily need to enter into a relation? I believe that, this occurrence is owing to our surroundings. A person who has been taught and who has seen and experienced a relationship will desire it for oneself. There are people who are able to resist a full relationship. Some enter into partial relationships, for the satiation of some of his/her wants.

Most relationships other that a marriage (Some in marriage) occurs, due to the specific interests of the parties concerned. Some might be craving for an emotional relation, some physical and yet another to be pleasing in the eyes of the society. A marriage can never be complete if emotional, spiritual or a physical understanding is absent.

Most teenage relationships occur due to the feeling of physical attraction or to get emotionally enslaved or be covered in acts of affection. It is said to be natural.

What do we look for in a relationship? Are they sources for us to dump our emotions? Or do they help us in our spiritual quest?

Comparison

2006-09-16T22:28:00.000+05:30

Why do we equate ourselves to others? Why is it that we try to emulate others? Why do we want to be like others, talk like others, sing like others and even look like others?

We are born unique, with differences and differentiations in our domains. Is it that we are taught to be like someone during our childhood or do we take this task of becoming someone by ourselves? Most of us are told repeatedly to be like the first ranker in class or the one who sings well among us. Why? Is it necessary? Doesn’t this have a negative effect on the real self of the individual?

Do we want everyone to be like someone else? We look for the latest trends on television and copy that with an air of superiority. And the movies and advertisements exploit this weakness of ours. We get easily lured by them.

I see a world with three kinds of people, one class wants to be lead by someone, another wants to lead others and yet another and the rarest want to lead themselves.

These might be jumbled thoughts of a heretic. Coming back to the central issue of comparison, it leads to either a feeling of superiority or inferiority. Most of the times, it leads to an inferiority complex in the individual, as there will be many who are greater than us, and it is these people who are featured regularly in the media. And seldom do we compare ourselves to those lesser than us, and if we do that, it at times gives us a sense of gratitude for what we are.

It makes as conclude that I can never sing like HIM or I can never dance like HIM or I can never look like HIM. Why?

Comparison almost every time brings us grief. No body can become like another. We can try to enhance our selves rather than indulging in such comparisons. We could try to equate our achievements to our potential and try to improve on them.

Know!

2006-09-10T23:58:00.000+05:30

A deed is much easier done than the thought behind it. Actions need not enjoy any underlying motive or a purpose. It is so performed just to please others, for the sake of it and in most cases it is mechanical or monotonous in nature. People utter words such as love, compassion, sincerity and honesty without a minuscule amount of what is within them, per se. People find it more lucrative and satisfactory to be superficial in nature. Pleasing others is what is most often regarded as the superior motive behind most of the simple acts in life. No one searches for what is right for themselves.

A course for action has been engraved by our ancestral society to which most of us are bound; some willingly and others helplessly. Those willing ones are those who have never tried to search within themselves and are happy with what others decide. The helpless ones are most gruesome, as they are torn between what is good for them and what is not. Though what is good for them often compromises on their returns. The most trodden path is more preferred than the quest which one has to embark individually.

How can we see through the actions of others? It is close to impossible, and a tedious task, and most importantly, unnecessary in our quest. Passing judgement on others is not relevant to our quest. We need to pass judgement on ourselves every now and then. Judgements not viewed in the light of our past but of the present. Every choice we make ought to be novel and not a repetition. Being a habitual person is like enslaving one’s spirit to the habit and all habits change into addictions. Try to relieve oneself of all attachments to the known and unknown. But be truthful and sincere to oneself.

All the existing institutions and processes which mould us into educated and literate humans are so monotonous and lethargic. By the time, we face the truth in our lives, at one point or the other, we are so accustomed to being a puppet which needs to be pulled by various strings, and we start fearing the truth and we try to stamp away the truth in ourselves.

Know yourself! Respect yourself!

Ideal Ideology

2006-09-05T18:27:00.000+05:30

Is there an ideal ideology, which all humans can follow? Millions of people throughout the world respect and worship different philosophies and ideas blindly. Never for once contemplating whether the ideology of their respective period could entrench into their lives, without causing a struggle. But, surprisingly, it is absorbed without further thought and it becomes the ideology of the masses.

There was a time when people praised Socialism and Capitalism. Through out the past, we, humans have never been able to rely on a single philosophy for a prolonged period. Why? Beyond a certain limit, we need to change or rather our unconscious mind desires a change. We have followed the teachings of various leaders who have walked on this earth. Have we found true happiness in the teachings by these extraordinary men and women? No one else can dictate the way for another. We need to find our purpose by ourselves.

Most of us want an easy answer for all the problems and predicaments we face everyday. We desire and demand from such philosophers and great teachers the answers to them. When they outline a ‘road map to success’ we praise them and place these men and women over the rest of humanity. Most importantly, we submit ourselves to these people. What happens to our thought process? It is more or less discarded as we have received the so called answers to our problems.

Seldom do people make an effort to charter the uncharted, fathom the unfathomed and tread on paths never trodden before. Why? People hate to face choices as it demands careful attention and a great deal of time to make the right ones. People want life to be a bed of roses, which do not prick us. And from time immemorial, many have tried to find short cuts and devious ways to live life. But the thought which resides within us know or claim to know that life is like a mountain range with ups and downs. Is this so?

Is life really a morass of joy and sorrow? Haven’t we seen people repeatedly complaining about the tragedy in their lives, without recognizing the happiness life gave them? There are also people who are so happy because for them pain does not exist. Who gave meanings and definitions to pain and joy? Can pain and joy be generalized? So what does all this eventually come down to?

It all depends on how one views life and what connotations one ascribes to diverse incidents in one’s life. There can never be a single philosophy which is a panacea to all problems in life. Each individual must formulate one on their own which is ever changing and dynamic.

I can do it!

2006-08-30T16:34:00.000+05:30

I have come across people who always say “I can’t do it” or “It is impossible for me” or “I am not good at it’. I am the first among these ‘people’. What makes us say so?

The first reason is that we are too lazy to try out anything new, let alone the fact to try and fail. Or it can be that we are afraid of failure, which makes us take comfort in the fact, that, we haven’t tried at all. Being lazy and not trying are both inherently bad. Why is it that we are afraid of challenges? The fear of failure?

When ever, we arrive at crossroads in our lives, and a decision ought to be taken, how many of us really put our hearts and minds into it and make a choice? How many of us take the easy one out?

Wikipedia describes Pessimism as a general belief that things are bad, and tend to become worse. When I ask people to look into themselves and see what they are good at, they fail to come out with anything of substance, owing to their negative attitude in life. We should learn to take a SWOT analysis of ourselves whenever we get time. This facilitates easy change in our lives. Moreover, careful analysis of oneself is crucial as our surroundings are changing and having a firm set of beliefs would be foolish.

If we have the urge, the will power, or an optimistic feeling that we can do it and we can succeed in life, we will. But again, it should be a very thought out and balanced feeling, as being over confident distorts the real image.

Everyone is born with a minimum amount of talents, and it is up to us to nurture them. Very often we nurture just one or two talents and leave the others unnoticed or idle. We tend to specialise in a single field, but our profession requires that; so as soon as we are settled in life, we tend to forget the whole wide world. We limit our thinking to ourselves and those close to us. Sorry for the digression, but it is essential that we understand that it is possible to attain growth (Mental and Spiritual) by being in constant vigilance with ourselves. This takes effort and pain and the path is not easy, but this is the only way to grow.

So never say never! Don’t make yourself inferior! Accept yourself as you are and try to grow. Break the chains of bondage from the past and live in the present. We fail to realise the beauty of the past by incessantly worrying about the past and the future.

Live!

Are we living life?

2006-08-24T23:02:00.000+05:30

Why is it that we face a lot of problems and are unable to find solutions? Mostly, we find it impossible to come up with solutions by ourselves. Why? We want to solve the dilemma as soon as possible and get on with our life. In this process, we distort the truth, as we do not spend enough time and energy over it. There is no point during our lives, when we can confidently say that we have learnt life. That would be fooling ourselves. Life is dynamic, it keeps changing and so should we. Life is a quest for love and love is endless, so our journey is endless too. Only with our death, does our journey end. (In this world)

So then, why do we look for the short way out of predicaments? Are we so fearful of life in its entirety? The answer, sadly, is yes. Is it that we are unaware as to how to solve the problem or are we indolent? Or both? Most people are lazy to devote time to such trivial issues, which over a long period of time, gets blown up and eventually sticks on to the personality of the person for the end of his life. Some people are so ignorant about themselves, that they feel that they can’t solve the problem.

We fear change. We are so accustomed to living a constant life, that we fear sudden changes in our lives. We are never prepared to live life. We live according to what others want from us and according to the society. Are we not all equal? Then why should our life be determined by some one else? Is this what we call freedom of choice? Is there really freedom? Or is this world becoming monotonous?

We need to ask ourselves, whether we are being true to ourselves? Take life as it comes. Be accommodating. Learn to love. Never have an adamant view about anything, because life is all about change.

The beauty of Flora!

2006-08-23T00:57:00.000+05:30

According to Roman mythology, Flora refers to the goddess of flowers. My interest in nature started from my early youth and I need to be grateful to the state of Kerala in India for that.

We, humans are always surrounded by the greenery, only rarely do we find it completely reduced to a gaudy item. (In highly developed cities, seldom do we find trees. Even if they are found, it is kept there so as to add to the scenic beauty of the place.)

Whenever we are in dire need of a thing, we look around ourselves, we search; most of the other time our mind is always sleeping. We take for granted the trees around us. How many of us admire them? And even if we do how many of us can really think like one? Is it possible to empathise with a tree? Can we think like a tree? Yes we can, but not verbally.

Try to reflect on the behaviour of a tree. Trees multiply without any worry. But the only fear they have is us, humans. Are we destructive by nature? Or does this destruction only spring up when we desire? Trees provide us with shade, food, wood; prevent soil erosion and so on. Does it expect anything in return for all this? Couldn’t we devote a bit of our time and love?

At times, it is close to impossible to stop a tree being cut. In that case how many of us feel sorry for the tree, and for all the organisms the tree has supported. How many of us plant another one?

Most of us in Kerala are proud of our state for being densely vegetated, but how many years will this last? At this pace of deforestation taking place, the time will come when we feel sorry for all that we had not done.

I have never been attached to any tree in particular. I have always been awed by their lifestyle, their reproduction, their growth and so on. It is beautiful to nurture a tree, planting it and watching it grow.

So what has flora taught me? Selflessness. Respect. Love. Patience.

So let us try to enjoy the nature surrounding us, the trees, the birds, the insects and so on. In our busy lives, do we have time for all this and are we ready to devote time for enjoying and feeling nature?

Trees

2006-08-22T13:19:00.000+05:30

I just came across this beautiful post on trees by BVN and i wanted to link it here.

A tree has died

I will be writing on the beauty of trees in the next post!

Love will find a way

2006-08-20T22:55:00.000+05:30

I had been listening to this beautiful song called "Love will find a way" and i felt that i must share it.

Are you feeling down, and lonely
Feeling like you can't go on
Just remember love will find a way

Tell me are you going through changes
Time seems like it's passing by
Just believe that love will find a way

I see the tears you cry
I see the pain that's in your eyes
So many times you were so lonely
And no one seemed to care
But if your hopes for your tomorrows
Are drowning in your sorrows
Know your heart will show you the way

Are you trying to find a beginning
Or something just to hold on to
Always know that love will find a way

Is it hard this life you're living
Does the world seem so unkind
Don't you worry love will find a way

Some say we've lost our way
Some say the world has gone astray
But if you know where you're going
There's nothing you can do
'Cause problems will come
And they will leave you
The world will try to deceive you
But the truth will always be in your soul

This is the most meaningful song i have heard in the recent past. Hope you enjoy it.

The ladder of life

2006-08-18T00:32:00.000+05:30

Life is like a ladder. We are always at the bottom of the ladder. There will always be a flight of steps in front of us. There will be people and circumstances that try to pull us down and there will be those above us who stamp on our hands while climbing, to make us fall.
Amidst these discouraging and depressing situations, there will be helping hands that pull us along the ladder and even some that carry us along the ladder of life.

Recognise and distinguish these different people and circumstances. They will never fade away from our life. So we must not try to loose them or bury them, because they will always resurface.

Look forward to the bright things in life and enjoy them.
Learn to find joy in the problems we face.
The ups and downs we face form our ladder of life.
There will always a lot more to look forward to in the climb.
Focus on the highest rung and learn from our falls.
Remember that it is we who are climbing.
Let us be in control of our lives.

Take control of yourselves today!

Selfless or selfish?

2006-08-16T01:27:00.000+05:30

This discussion or debate is based on a statement that parents are selfless towards their children while children are selfish*.

Children usually do not think about the effects of their actions on their parents. Why? Till a certain age, children never think about others. They have a sense of ego, which makes them feel that, all what they do is right. So where is the conscience then? But after they are out of their teens, the responsibilities pile up and they know what ought to be done. They also realise that parents are affected by their deeds. But does this make any significant change in their behaviour? They are prone to actions which give them pleasure and joy. (In the short term)

Parents, from the time of the birth of their child are planning and planning as to what he/she must be called, what he/she must wear, what he/she must play with and finally what he/she must become. Usually the career of children is decided by their parents. At an early age, the children get introduced to the likes and dislikes of their parents. The child wants to be liked by the parents so tries to behave in a manner laudable by the parents. Are parents really being selfless in this case? Is it the parents who must decide what their child is going to become or who the child is going to marry?

This is a moot point and a conclusion cannot be arrived at. Individuals grow in different surroundings and experiences and their ethics and values are based on that. Be it a parent or a child. No one can for sure say what is right for another. In this present world one rarely comes across true acts of selflessness.

Believe in yourself. Know yourself. Explore the unknown within you. The unknown can become known only if you try. No one can generalise the shortcuts to getting to know one. It is different for different people. There are different paths and ways to enhance your inner self. Accepting oneself in flesh and spirit is very important. Then you go on to find out what you really know, what you do know but is not accepted by all, what more you have to know and so on and so forth.

It will be a beautiful journey. A journey can only be called beautiful if there are downfalls, for if there were not any downfalls, a climb would go unnoticed. So embark on your journey as soon as you can!

*Note: I made this statement to myself a week back when I was talking to my friend Anand.

Nature-Part 1

2006-08-14T11:55:00.000+05:30

I decided to pen down my relation with nature. The beauty of the trees and the animals has always made me wonder about the unseen. How much more beautiful will the Unseen be? The wonders of the universe speak of something which cannot be studied and written down in theories and textbooks.

Science has made intangible the tangible, by giving it names. Why? Has it made our life easier or harder?

From my childhood, I have always been fascinated with nature. I have been friends with and loved and cared for the following.
1) Fish: They have always been my favourite friends in nature. They are so colourful and so bright. They are calm and they are patient. I used to dig up earthworms and feed them. I was especially fond of the beautiful guppies, which had built a house for itself from the moss in our tank. (We had a cemented tank with a blue lotus)I have been with guppies, gold fishes, angel fishes, carps, mollies of many kinds, barbs of many kinds, siamese fighting fishes, sharks, piranhas, eels, sucker mouth catfishes, gouramis, loaches, etc. I had a different experience with all of them. All of them were different in their habits. But importantly, they seemed happy and playful most of the time, provided they are fed everyday. Rather than keeping them in an aquarium, they preferred the tank with moss. I loved them deeply, maybe it’s because of that, I learn to think patiently and be calm in stressful situations. (Some people might refer to the calmness as unresponsive.)
2) Tortoise: I have tried to grow them. I have had 2 of them, which I and my cousins caught from a nearby farm. (In Malayalam its called a ‘kandam’) I caught it by its shell and carried it home. I made a house for it in our compound with bricks and I put him there. They were very intelligent because the next day I found them missing. I have tried to feed them live fish and I learnt that these tortoises do not eat live fish. (I have had a turtle (a small one) too, though it disappeared as soon as I put him in the tank.) They have taught me the importance of being slow and steady in life. Though they are slow, it does not prevent them from walking all the way to their destination. How often do we behave like a tortoise? Rarely or never. Have we tried to take the path which offered us truth, knowing it would be a slow and painful journey? Why not?
3) Frogs: By this time, you might be thinking I was crazy! I have had small frogs and large toads as pets. I had built a house for the small frog with sand and built it like an island with water surrounding it, thinking it would like the water. But it did not. I enjoy seeing it jumping around. Most people despise frogs for a reason that they stink. Don’t we? I have always wanted a house which could accommodate as much animal kingdom as possible. This is one of my dreams.
My experience with the toad was not satisfying I restrained it to my terrace. I kept it in captivity. One day it jumped off my terrace. I ran down the steps to see if it was still alive and there it was jumping up and down. I was relieved.
I have grown tadpoles and have watched with awe their transformation into a frog. I used to immensely enjoy the stage between the tadpole and the frog. (A frog with a tail) Transformation is something which we are not willing to do. Why? Though we know it’s better for us, we do not. Is the present happiness so much more rewarding than eternal happiness?
4) Butterflies: Watching butterflies and dragonflies make us happy. We wonder how happy they are while we have been burdened by life. I have watched with interest how the caterpillars, change into pupa and they finally emerge as a butterfly. Think of us like the caterpillar. We know we can become the caterpillar but for that we need to be inactive like the pupa. Will we choose to become the pupa? I think not. In our present live, we know what is good for us, but seldom do we take the right course of action.

I am stopping now with the four animals that I have communicated with and learnt from. In the next part to this, I will talk of my experience with a variant of a bat, ants, hens, squirrels, dogs and cats which I haven’t spend much time with.

Love-Part 2

2006-08-13T15:58:00.000+05:30

In my previous writing on love, I mentioned the hidden presence of love everywhere. I was talking about the nature surrounding us, the trees, the hills, the streams, the sun, the moon and every other thing in this universe. We can feel them, their presence, and their love towards us. Because we have always been surrounded by nature, we haven’t felt their absence or a longing towards them. In life, whenever we get things for granted, we do not notice them. What would life be if we took notice of the world around us? I am not referring to our jobs, studies or our future plans; but to miniscule events like the sun rising, the trees dancing in the wind, the beauty of the water flowing in the brooks, etc. We seldom have time for appreciating things around us. There is so much we can learn from the living beings on this universe other than humans. We must learn to observe and give respect to them. We lack respect towards other forms of life in this planet including our fellow human beings.

Nature provides us with so much; at least we must learn to appreciate the beauty and try to feel the power of nature.

A stroll in a road shaded by trees, or a quiet nap beside a brook, all these will revive our spirit. All these are paths travelled on by many people, but as a percentage of the total people, it is less. Loosen the chained mind and feel the love of nature.

Let’s take the life of a fish in an aquarium. What can it possibly teach us that we do not know? It cannot teach us anything new, because everything is already there in our hearts, but they are suppressed. These fishes make us more patient and we learn to look at their way of life and how much more privileged we are. They do not have confusions like us. They do not have what we have called the soul.

Each animal in this planet will make us realise values which we have forgotten. We need to spend more time in communion with nature.

Learn to observe!

Love-Part 1

2006-08-11T21:38:00.000+05:30

What is love? What all meaning or attributes does it possess? Have we experienced true love? How do we differentiate between true love and infatuation? Is there some thing known as love?

There is love and only love. To make matters complicated, words like true love, brotherly love, sisterly love friendly love; etc has been introduced and programmed into the hearts and minds of people. A person who can love in any of the so called distortions to love (I mentioned in the previous sentence), will find it difficult to know what love is. I posit that these are excuses, basically lame ones, which hinder a person from not knowing the realm of love in the fullest way possible. To quote a recurring example, when a person gets a proposal from his/her friend, the ever ready answer is ‘I have loved you only as a brother/sister!’ These kinds of behaviour distort the meaning of love. We have divided and sub-divided love. In our quest to “God knows what” we have forgotten values and most of us in our hurry to amass wealth and power have left behind their ethics and their perpetuator(s). We have left behind love and gone for pleasure which can only last for a short while.

‘Love at first sight’- I call this phrase a strange one. It is an oxymoron like ‘living dead’. To understand the flaw in this argument, we need to comprehend what love is. Love is a feeling which comes from your heart (not the scientific one, but the spiritual heart), which has no limits or boundaries, which is selfless and always giving. Love is not based on caste, colour, creed, sex, personality, etc. When we are in love there is endless giving without expecting anything in return. Love is difficult. When love gives us something in return, be thankful, but do not try to love in order that you get benefits in return, because that is not love.

In today’s world there is no understanding between people, no confessions, no sharing, no affection, and no intimacy! I would be contradicted in saying thus because all these do exist but superficially. For a marriage to work out, all this is necessary but we do it for our own existence or for the smooth running of the marriage and not because we really want to. We are imprisoned by our own interests. We behave like we do in order to impress others, but never to impress ourselves. Think!

We have been brought up in synergy with our respective societies and culture. Love does not have any barriers. Society creates barriers which love tramples under its foot. Love breaks down all the conventions which have been in existence since long back. Love is feared by those in power. (I won’t talk about power now) Loosen the restrains on your minds and hearts and be free, free from what man made conventions. It is a difficult path, yet enriching and full of vitality and strength. Love is everywhere, but it remains hidden due to our preconceived notions about love. So explore yourself for love first and then you will be able to understand the hidden meanings of the life around you. You will learn to appreciate nature as you have never before.

So try to free your mind!

Confusion

2006-08-11T16:22:00.000+05:30

Let me begin in a confusing yet convincing thought.

People repeatedly complain about being confused in life. What is confusion? Confusion is a state of mind where we have to make a choice from limited alternatives, which usually is two; either to do or not to do. For example, our mind is in constant confusions, thinking of what to do. Children usually face the choice between playing and not playing. The choice is always made in our self interest. Mostly, these choices give us short term gains. We are more concerned about our present state of mind than out future state of mind. We like to do things which bring us pleasure in the present. Let’s take the example of a person smoking a cigarette, 90% of the smokers know that cigarette is harmful, but still they value their present happiness more than future happiness. This implies that we are not in control of our future or we are weak in heart and spirit to control our future.
But when it comes to money, we are worried about what interest it gets and how to keep it safe for our future generation. Is money more important then ourselves? We need to ask this question.
Confusions are necessary in life. What would life be without any confusion, where we always know the course of action to take or we have no alternatives. What would life be then? There would not be any meaning to life. The conscience in us tells us what to do, but it is always diametrically opposed to what we want to do. It is human motives like pleasure, sex, greed, laziness, selfishness that always gets an upper hand in our decisions. Ever wondered why? It is so because they are easier to put in action and it gives us a sense of pleasure for the time being.
It is seldom that we think of others, and when we think of helping others, we do it only if we are benefited out of the action. This is a selfish deed. I have digressed from the original thought on confusion.
Getting back to confusion, it is a state of mind one must experience so as to continuously grow and evolve. Do not let our mind to remain in a state of confusion. Find out the alternatives and how they would affect you are others around you. Then choose the best alternative which does not harm anyone.