The Sinner

It had been two weeks since she left for England and it would take another three weeks for her to return. I was without physical company for the last two weeks. I was finding it difficult. I always felt the urge. I am a devout Christian. I shouldn’t be feeling such urges. I could not help myself alone as that was considered a sin. I could not seek the help of someone else, as that was not only religiously intolerable but also socially.

I wonder who I am. What is the purpose of my life? Do I own my life? I think it is God and the society together that own my life. I feel so constrained, so repressed. I am not being able to express myself for fear of being labeled a ‘bad’ man. I feel helpless. I do not know where to go. I do not know what to do.

My flesh yearns for something but the Bible asks me to follow my ‘spirit’. Do I have a spirit? How is my spirit formed? I wonder. I spend all my time wondering. Battling with myself. There is a war that is going on within myself. Who will win? Will my passion win or will my ‘rules’ win? Which should I follow? Who can tell me which I should follow?

Are there other people who are going through similar struggles? I hope not! I feel that I have already sinned in my mind. I have dreamt of immoral deeds. But I feel tremendously lonely. Should I go ahead or not? Will my wife understand this or will she judge me according to the ‘rules’? I don’t know. I do not understand myself. I wonder if there exists a ‘myself’. I doubt my existence. I doubt my freedom. I doubt humanity. I doubt rules. I doubt society. I doubt religion.

I think I am going mad. I don’t understand anyone anymore. I stopped understanding myself a long time back; ever since I stopped listening to myself, ever since I started following the ‘rules’. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I have ceased to have an identity of my own. I feel empty as if somebody has stolen all that I had once.

I don’t think I should live anymore. My existence has no meaning. Who do I listen to? Who do I trust? I don’t trust myself anymore. For how can I trust myself, as ‘myself’ has already been robbed from me.

He committed suicide. He was no longer chained by the ‘rules’. He was free.

The Entertainer

I was always liked by my teachers and 'friends'. I always made it a point to be the person they liked. I did my homework on time, asked questions(doubts) in every class, was always punctual, tried to be the first in class, etc. I did not like mingling with those who did not study; as my parents and teachers advised me not to. (As I might lose interest in studies)

My parents adored me because I always obeyed them. I never questioned them. They and my teachers are my Gods on this earth. They know what is good for me. And since my father had an interest in public speaking, I was taught to be a good public speaker. My parents were very proud of me and so were my teachers. I entertained them regularly. I was very happy with my life. I was awarded a lot of medals and prizes for my good conduct.

12th standard. I came first in the board exam.

My parents wanted me to be an IAS officer. My teachers supported this view as well. I was told that I would be on a high social plane and I would be serving the nation. So, I started going for civil services tuitions. I took tuition from 3 different places. My father did not want me to fail because I lacked preparation (read as coaching).

I cleared the civil service entrance and the interview. I became a civil servant. I was asked not to do certain things by my seniors and I obeyed them. (My father taught me to respect my elders.) I was liked by those in important positions and my promotions were hassle free.

Now when I look back at my life, I realise that I have only been an entertainer.

The 'quite long' Tag

First of all, I thank Bharath for tagging me.

Secondly, it has been more than month since he tagged me. But, here it goes:

10 Things I've realized/ 10 realizations

1) I can write.
2) I understand people.
3) I can't remember dates.
4) I have no regrets.
5) I am 'lazy' when it comes to doing things 'for' others.
6) I enjoy solitude.
7) I enjoy company.
8) I can sing in public, despite knowing I am not a 'good' singer.
9) I enjoy academics immensely.
10)I have realized quite a lot.

9 things I'm glad about.

1) My life.
2) Friends.
3) Family.
4) My collection of books.
5) My blogs.
6) Studying Economics.
7) Having lived in a hostel at school.
8) Having experimented with substances. ;)
9) My 'travels'.

8 Things I badly wanna (do)

1) To read at least 2 essays a day. (academic)
2) To publish at least 2 posts each month on by 2 blogs.
3) To visit a 'Bishnoi Village'.
4) To re visit Hampi.
5) To re visit Gokarna.
6) To play (games) at least twice a week.
7) To write TOEFL.
8) To study at Erasmus University.

7 Things I often tell myself.

1) Be good to yourself.
2) Don't obey your elders.
3) Enjoy life.
4) You need to blog more.
5) You need to read more.
6) Try to eat to fill your stomach.
7) I must reduce weight.

6 people I wanna thank. No mutual thanking.

If I have to thank, It would be a lot of people. So, I am skipping this.

5 things I believe in.

1) Myself.
2) In making choices that I think are good.
3) In relationships.
4) In skepticism.
5) In love.

4 people I tag

ahhhh...those who want to, can take it up.

3 Confessions

1) I don't confess. :)
2) I don't regret.
3) I lie rarely.

2 Promises

1) I will never promise.
2) I wont break the first promise.

1 That's exclusively yours. can write anything.

1) It sure was an enjoyable experience writing this Tag. It makes you ponder, introspect, lie :), dabble in humour to conceal things, etc.

On Sins

Cambridge Dictionary defines ‘sin’ as “the offence of breaking, or the breaking of, a religious or moral law.” The Church teaches humanity that people who sin cannot enter heaven. Thereby, a moral constraint is placed upon each and every individual who believes in that. Interestingly enough, all Christians are sinners and therefore they need to go to Church and get themselves forgiven; if not hell awaits them.

Why does a society have restraints at all? Different institutions supply different restraints. Society puts forth its acceptable norms, which varies from society to society. The nation has its own legal system to take care of corruption, murder, theft, etc. Religion has its own code whereby the followers are taught good and bad. What is common to all the three restraints is that they have their own sense of right and wrong. And those who ‘wrong’ are (eventually) punished. Punishment takes various forms as well. The punishment of the state is physical in nature; that of society is emotional in nature while that of religion is spiritual in nature.

Ethics-what is right and wrong is specific to time, culture, nation, economy, etc. For example, polygamy is considered as a sin in certain cultures but it is acceptable in some others. Which is the ‘right’ culture? Is there something as the ‘right’ culture? Ethics have changed over time. Morality has evolved over time as well. A society needs a particular ethical framework so as to maintain order. The state exercises its power through its laws. The church exercises its power though its teachings of right and wrong. The notion of Heaven and Hell play a significant role in bringing people closer to Church. But, does the Church teach that ethics has evolved over time? Or does it try and put forth the history of institutions? It does not, because the history of ethics will contradict the ‘truth’ of the Church!

The Vatican has updated the list of deadly sins (in accordance with what is happening now)

The new deadly sins include polluting, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, drug dealing, abortion, paedophilia and causing social injustice.

[Read more here]

I wonder what the intention of such a statement is! Is the Church opposing globalization and in the process science, technology, economic progress? Also, I wonder how they define social injustice! Moreover, the funds of the Vatican have not been made public; but it is common knowledge that their coffers are overflowing. Such a statement shows the power the Church commands vis-à-vis the state, the scientific community, the corporates and lastly the civil society.